Ahhhh, life...ain't it grand?

My entire life I have been plagued with the constant thoughts and worries that I am not good enough or worthy of love. My self esteem has always been a game of sorts to keep my head above water. Throughout my entire life, I was always the friend. I can distinctly remember being the one that all the guys would come to-but not for me. They always wanted to ask me about my friends. As an elementary student I can always remember working to get my friends into relationships (such as they were). While I was happy to do it, I was always just the "friend". Not that I blame any of the guys, I was a glasses wearing, braces wearing, acne clad young girl! But as I entered high school, nothing changed. Even once I came to start coming into my own in high school, I was still never the one that the boys went after. High school was a whirlwind of unattended dances or getting set up with horrendous dates for dances that were over before they began. I never truly dated anyone. I had as few guys that were interested, but never the ones I wanted to be interested in me. Or if I was interested in them, they were not interested in me in the same way.

After years of this constant repetition I entered into my first committed relationship. After throwing myself completely and utterly into the throws of my first deep relationship, college started and after a short time, he realized that he wanted to be single. That threw me for a loop and most definitely did not instill any lasting self esteem or confidence.

As I came out of my first serious relationship I was in college enjoying college and all of its experiences. Once again, I was not looked at as the girl to date. I was just the "friend". The one that was looked over toward the friends I was with. Sure I had a few dating experiences, but nothing serious. Regretfully, I may have passed up opportunities I wish now I had taken more chances with. While I knew I could not change the past, I began to look to my future.

My then long time friend, my husband, was always there for me. We had become friends over the years I was in college and he had always been interested in me. As I finished college he was still pursuing me and genuinely wanted me. And I began to open myself to the idea of love and marriage. After about two years we got engaged and then married within another year.
During that time, I always knew I was still insecure but assumed a relationship of mutual love and adoration would fix it. However, instead of just having a happy relationship, I found myself being constantly critical, negative, and spoil sport of all his ideas and/or thoughts. Because I was still so insecure, my natural response was to hurt those that were close to me, unfortunately, and that pushed him further and further away which caused him to feel like he was being treated like a child. But even aside from my insecurities, our relationship had its own issues as well.

I can trace our problems back to things as simple as arguing about the stupid things; bathroom cleaning, kitchen sink and dishes, and taking the dog out to go potty. Then when the baby arrived, it all became more complex. Then our arguing turned to cleaning the baby's clothes, changing the diaper, getting up at 2 am. And as these problems passed, they were just replaced with more advanced issues. And while originally it was not meant as nagging or to bother him, I began to notice that the things he said he would do, would never get done. "Sure I'll take the trash out babe," turned into a full day of stinky trash sitting there as he "forgot" to take it out. So then, to ensure that these things got done, I guess I became more of a mother than a wife. It wasn't intentional. I think I began to see him as a child that I had to clean up after, nag to do his "chores", and beg to be interested in me. I cannot remember the last time he told me he loved me or held me tight in an embrace that spoke without any words at all. Over time, he completely broke off emotionally. He was home, but only physically. He had no interest in spending time with me and found reasons to not be home. I noticed months ago he had stopped wearing his wedding ring, but always had an excuse for it: it's hot and my hands are swollen, or I have lost too much weight and I'm afraid it will come off...blah blah. I just accepted it, but I should have seen it as a sign.

I had begun to go to a counselor for my many insecurities this previous. And during this progression I began to realize the "error of my ways" so to speak. I came home and pleaded for his forgiveness and apologized and cried and admitted to my mistakes time and time again. I promised I would do what it takes to show him that I love him and change my ways since I was now aware of my mistakes and I wanted to make it work. While I was not intentionally doing these things, it has recently come to a point where he couldn't take it anymore. He has decided not to try any longer, despite my desire to make it better. While I understand his reasoning, that does not make it feel any better. I still feel as if I am being blamed for everything in the relationship.

It became a vicious circle of pain and hurt both from and to both of us. Though I am willing to try, his behavior since he decided I was at fault over 2 months ago has been absolutely miserable. While I understand he was hurt and angry, the cold shoulder and going out with friends til all hours of the morning did more damage than it did good. Also he is very passive aggressive. He has always text messaged ALL the time to people I don't know about who knows what and then when asked about it would get completely defensive. Whether he had something to hide or not became the question on my mind. The longer our problems continued the more I began to think there was something else going on.

Eventually he realized the pain he was causing me and we sat down and discussed the importance of staying friends through this for the sake of our daughter.

There was a time that I could have done no wrong, and I think once my insecurities and problems began to surface he realized that I am a completely fallible person with flaws and issues, and suddenly the pedestal he had put me on, began to crumble.

Although I think the worst feeling pervading my mind is that I don't think that I deserve to be in love again. Can you catch lightening in a bottle twice? Or did I have it and lose it?

All I wanted was to be loved. I wanted a man who wanted to be with me. Who WANTED to love me, not that I felt I had to try and convince to love me. A man who wanted to hear all about my day and that would listen with all his attention. Do I deserve another chance at that?

And while for a time I may have had some of that, it is over now.

I must accept the inevitable, I failed at my marriage.

I would like to think this is the start of a new beginning for me. But I must get through where I am now. And that, will be the most difficult part of all.