The ramblings of a soul undergoing reconstruction...

I don't know where to begin.
Since my last post, I have come so far, but still have so far to go...
Here's my sadness...
We are in the midst of a divorce, to be final in October.
He moved out of the house in January, leaving me with insurmountable responsibilities that no single woman should have to endure alone.
He is now moving in with his girlfriend because he "can't afford it on his own"....ya...sure.
Keep in mind, this is the woman that he "bonded" with at work during our tough times.
My daughter comes home and calls me this woman's name and it BREAKS MY HEART.
It is so unfair that I have to share my daughter.
Why is it he gets to walk away from all his responsibilities and yet still gets someone to catch him when he falls?
Why is it he has no trouble walking and being with someone new?
I tried, I did. I just can't because I haven't let go of my hurt, and now my hurt is turning to fear.
How will I ever trust someone again?
I trusted him with my life, my love, my heart, my everything, and he walked like it was no big deal.
How can he move on so easily?
Why am I the one left in pain while he gets to move on and be happy when he's the one that left me??!!

On the surprisingly bright side....I know I am better off without him.
Why would I want someone who doesn't want to fight for me?
What was he providing me with, truly?
Was I happy?
I can truly answer those questions honestly and tell myself...no, I deserve me, no he was not, and no.....I was NOT happy. That took massive work on my part to stop making excuses for his actions and admit those answers to my heart.
I have realized so much about myself.
I have lost 25 pounds.
I am healthier.
I actually kinda like myself.
I know now that I don't need a man to survive.
I am stronger than I ever knew I was.
I am becoming the person I was never able to be when I was with him.
I am happy.
Happy.....hmmmm. I know I am happier without him.
I am pretty. I never thought that...ever, but even less when we were married.
I have more confidence than I ever knew I could have. So sad it couldn't be when I was married.

So, why does it still hurt?
I know why....
...because I lost my best friend.
See when we were married we had few friends.
I didn't think I needed more friends because my best friend was my husband and what else would I need?
My best friend is gone....and cares so little for me it's massive rejection.
Not just of my marriage, but of me as a person.
But most of all, I am mourning the loss of a dream.
I always had this dream growing up.
I would be a wife and a mother and that my life would be complete.
That dream was shattered.
And with it, it took my confidence and my self esteem.
As I am building myself back up I have found few things that truly help me to heal.

First thing-my daughter. She is the light of my life and I love her more than I thought would be humanly possible. I cannot imagine my life without her. She kept me going every day. She reminds me why I do what I do and that I am important and needed. I love that girl....she is my angel.

Secondly-God. I spent many days, weeks, months depressed during which time God and I were experiencing an interesting relationship. I knew He was there and I still do. I tried to go to church regularly but found indifference in my reasoning to go. I was hurt, angry, scared, alone, and for some reason church seemed like the last place I wanted to be. But I know now that if it weren't for God, I wouldn't be where I am now. Even in my distance from Him, He has been uplifting me every step of the way. Without Him I am nothing. I would be stuck at step one....I know I am far further because of Him. Thank you Lord!

Thirdly-music. I must say a massive thank you to Chris Daughtry for writing words that fit my life. There have been many songs that have really lifted me up when I wanted to scream and run, but "Over You" by Daughtry has so closely depicted my life that I just smile when I hear it. In the end, the song talks about getting over you. (I included the words below if you haven't heard the song or read the lyrics)

I know one day I will find someone better than him.
Someone who won't give up on me and walk away when life gets tough.
I deserve someone who will love me for me.
I deserve to be happy again with someone.
And I now believe that one day I will be.
For many months I lived in a fog of depression that my life would forever be a rerun of a bad dream.
That I would never feel loved again.
That I would never be happy again.
But I know now that I will....someday.

Am I healed? Hell no....but I'm on my way and I believe I have a good start toward a life of genuine happiness and contentment that only a clear vision of myself and a focus on the positive aspects of my life can truly create.

"Over You"

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.